Loss

Never dreamed I would be rushing around for a last minute trip to Florida. Never in a million years did I think the expected would actually become the reality.

My only cousin on my mom's side. The son of her baby sister died yesterday. Suddenly. While at home. In her arms. While she tried desperately to bring him back with CPR.
He was gone before the ambulance arrived at the hospital. They worked on him with due diligence but in the end, it wasn't meant to be.

I put my mom on a plane to Tampa, where she drove the 2 additional hours to Gainesville. And now, I am heading to DMV to renew my license, (something I had forgotten all about) taking my dog to the vet, waiting here while the counter tops are being measured, only to get back later in the afternoon for the cable people to come and let me know why it doesn't work in the basement...I will be on a plane at 6 in the morning heading to Florida, to help support my aunt and my mom..
Darren was troubled for most of life. But it didn't stop anyone from loving him.
I wasn't especially close to him, but close to his mother who kept us in the loop about him.

Sometimes I think the poor kid was doomed with all the chaos that was going on in his early years. Then drugs came along, and he was deeply enveloped in a world that no one understood. Only recently after years in prison, and years of rehab, did it seem he was finally on the last legs of recovery. But we won't know for a while if he held fast to his recovery.

I think I am in shock. This is the first death in my family that I didn't see coming. He had lived a risky life for so long, I felt like he was a cat with nine lives. His mom, my mother's baby sister isolated herself in these past few years. She is not in great health, and with Darren, she could truly have a partner, nurse, helper, and friend. It was just the two of them for all these years, and with that comes the trappings of dysfunction on an almost epic level. My aunts heart was in the right place, but her boundaries weren't..

For me, I was most sad when I asked my mom "Isn't there anyone we can call to be with AuntieC until you get there?" and there wasn't. She was alone. Driven back to her home in a cab, only to enter the home where her beloved had just died...Just imagining it, makes me bawl like an infant. I wish there was a service to help the grieving to not be alone. The Jews sit Shiva, and most people who are a part of a Church gather around the family with food, and noise and diversions. Right now all she has is my mother.

My girlz are not going down for the funeral. The tickets to get us all there were 3000.00 and both girlz didn't want to go. This time, I don't think they should. Because of Darren's age, and the fact that I can't say, "He was old and lived a long life" I don't want to scare them. At my Grandmothers funeral, I got up to speak and read a scripture. As soon as I looked at my mother, I burst into tears in front of everyone. Anna yelled out from her seat, "MOOOmmmmmmmyyyy" and my sister and BFF Lee had to take care to settle the girlz down. Cause if momma cries, they cry. And I stood there in front of everyone trying to suck it up and get through my speech. I think I will be a mess at this funeral because of the situation, and I don't think I want to traumatize the girlz. Also, my sister got in from San Fran last night at midnight, and we picked her up, so the girlz are beat tired, and I simply don't have time to gather our stuff for a 6 AM flight. My sister is going to stay with the girlz and both of our dogs..
This is the worst part about being away from family.

Now my Aunt has no one down there, and we are hoping that she will come up here and spend some time. Her fragile health means she needs someone to watch over her, and I am hoping that she will accept my moms offer to come. She probably won't, and if she doesn't, I honestly feel she won't live another year. It's like when couples who have been married forever, and one of them passes away, the other passes away shortly after.

So that is where we are right now. Yesterday morning, my biggest concern was what color to choose for my countertops. Today, it seems ridiculous that I even stressed over it.


Pray for my Aunt if you are a
"Praying Kind of Person"....If not, just send as many positive vibes our way. This is going to be an impossible few days.