So Much

Coming back to this blog tonight to share...

We've really struggled this year. My commute has still been a huge nuisance. I hurry everyday to get myself ready, rush out away from my girlz, only to sit in my van and wait. Wait in an endless line of cars inching our way along. And more than anything, I resent those hours. The 40 or so hours a month alone in my thoughts. Thoughts on my girlz. 

I lost my only cousin in the summer, and last month, my dad's only remaining uncle. And those deaths have profoundly impacted my thoughts. I worry more, I am nervous more, and anxious more. Throw in graduate school, and my own personal shortcomings and we are simply ...barely making it. 

Next week, I visit a psychiatrist for the first of what I hope is many family visits. You see, all this worry and anxiety has affected my girlz as well..Mainly my littlest stardust angel baby. She is the most troubled by our busy-ness..But I am confident that therapy will help all of us. Cause I must do the right and most healthy thing for my girlz. 

I may be painting a down picture, and I don 't want to ...Just being honest. Most of the time, we are good, no, great..But when we are in the dumps, it is epic!

We went to the Gaylord just the three of us. For Easter. To have that magical time with only us..And I can't wait to go to Florida this year. We missed it last year and I honestly think it set our year off on a low note..

Tonight, I said a prayer for us. Because the Greengirlz are Up to Here, and need a little break. Florida cannot come soon enough!

The Stressors of Russian Children

 What I know about Russia is there are many, many orphans. Some are true orphans who have been given up at birth, and many others are social orphans. Those are children who have parents. But for one reason or another the parents cannot or do not take care of their children. Some of these parents have voluntarily given their children to the state. Some parents have lost their children do to the state realizing the lack of care.
The stressors that impact both category of orphan are varied. As I began to research for this blog entry, I could find very little peer reviewed documentation on the effects of being an orphan. I could find very little research either. What I know is that for now, Russia is making every effort to keep these orphans in the country. They no longer allow US citizens to adopt these children.
Russia is making efforts to encourage it's own citizens to adopt.

This is from an NGO working in Russia to encourage it's families to consider adoption. I would love to say that the people are doing this out of the goodness of their hearts, but I worry that the fact that there is now a payment for adoption, is a reason that people are adopting.

For ME

ok..so  here are some randoms for ME to remember..

The only difference between a goal and a dream is a TIMELINE.
"Being Happy. Being A Good Mom" Those aren't plans. Everyone wants that..Specific details need to be in place..
The most important part of planning for the future is to establish an image..As in, WHO DO YOU WANT TO BE, HOW DO YOU WANT THE WORLD TO VIEW YOU?

Teaching in Russia. Working in Russia -  OUT FOREVER. Not only is there risks associated with being American, I am single and people could think I am lesbian, and TAKE MY CHILDREN.. Yes, I wrote that. Because it's a law in Russia now..
Also, we are past the point of my girlz doing what I want. Anni got accepted into an All Girlz program and looks very forward to it. My girlz cannot be away from our family. I cannot ask them to spend the money just to come see us if we were overseas. PLUS-I can't get a job. Time to move on. This is just a direction I can never go. And although I am sure it's because I have 2 children and no spouse, I would never trade a child or TAKE ON A SPOUSE just to get a job in Russia..

I want to write. So I have to just do it. Teaching can be a means to and end. And If writing is my passion, I may never write a book, or publish it, but I can write it to fulfill my passion..

Ok-More notes later. Just wanted to get this down while it was on my mind.