Half

Time to find the other HALF OF MYSELF

 

 

 

For 2 years, it seems all I have done is read, research, write, and repeat. Although grad school was extremely satisfying, It did pull half of me away from my girlz. I have been a super sketchy mom allowing them some freedom to push themselves, but to also leave messes we are about to clean up.

I did learn that Anna can  wash her own clothes. And both girls can do garbage duty. As for a million other things, it's time I focus on rejoining the program around my house. Many of you know, our house had a little flood in October and we lived in a hotel for months. While there, I realized we can survive and thrive on way less stuff and way less space. Both girlz' grades improved with AugustRose making straight A's and Anna making that ONE C+ in advanced math. But we had set backs while there as well. AR had to have surgery for a blockage cause by her adenoids and Anna went through a long nuero-visual testing cycle to find out she has complete right sided double vision. She began weekly vision therapy and has had to change her glasses prescription twice.

I had to make a million house decisions, as a section of my home had been demo'd to the studs. Throughout this process, of course my parents helped. My mom began making the hour long drive to Anna's vision therapy each week, and my dad came up to act as my contractor for the house.

People often roll their eyes when they hear the quote, "It takes a village....." but in our little family, it's the norm. My girlz don't know what it's like to not have the GRANS here everyday. It's their normal. We are the new normal, and when people say, "I don't know how you do it being a single working mom in grad school..." I tell them, "I'm not on my own." My parents help a lot."  And they do.

And that brings us to now..

In some sense, I lost my job. Not that I was fired or de-staffed, rather I was taken out of early childhood and put into teach the third grade. Now I know this doesn't seem like a big deal to many of you. But that's like asking a pediatrician to help geriatric patients. (Not that I think I am that qualified, but I do watch a lot of surgeries on Youtube). The point is, the students are not the same. A five year old is my target audience. They love my ever changing hair color. They love when I wear the ridiculous animal shaped earrings from Claires. And forget about my outfits. I have created an adult version of the Punky Brewster look that kills it for a five year old. And the best part of kindergarten, is I can start by simply being kind to them. Kindie allows me find the silly in each child and embrace it. There's no, time in the past 10 years when I have gotten angry with a child. Even when they have done the WORST a five year old could do, (maybe saying an actual bad word, or taking their friends belongings) There's something expected about it, and I can smile in my soul knowing that's pretty normal and I can handle it. They may talk too much, but that's normal. They twirl in the hallway, but really, who doesn't sort of giggle when you see a kid twirl? And I get that these little people in my room are someone's ENTIRE WORLD. I don't call parents a million times to complain. I don't harass them with letters about behavior. Because it takes the entire year to train them to be in school. And that part is my job to handle.

My master's program was over 35K and in order for the state to pay back more than half of that, I have to teach in early childhood. So that means leaving my job of 17 years. And not on my own terms. So I have been working like a bee to organize for next steps. Anyone who really knows me, knows that I have wanted to leave my school, but the relationships have kept me there. I am a "stayer." So I have had one interview to transfer, and have one coming up. But so many schools look for young teachers. They think I am too set in my ways and get buy into their way of doing it. So ageism is a big real factor. I have also applied to the New York City Public School system. Yes, I can hear you all saying, "HOLY JEEZ" how would you ever afford it? The simple answer is barely.

I would make less money there, because they don't give you all the salary years you may have, but I would rent out my house and make the difference. And even then, we would have to more than triple my house payment I have now. But, hey, go big or go home. I am also applying to some systems that are not part of the hiring group agreement. Meaning they can hire me after August. I am just starting some of those applications.

But my heart is sort of broken. I have cried a whole lot lately. And earlier in the week, I think I may have had a panic attack. Not really sure as I don't normally have them. I told Anna about the whole thing on Thursday. She bawled her eyes out.  Her first response was to ask about what would happen to Mrs. Stacy and Mrs. Heather? Will we still see them? (These are 2 dear long-time friends that we have holiday gathering with each year, we call the kids "work cousins") Will Mrs. Rose still come to our party? (Another friend who has started to come with us to holiday events) I told her we would always be "work cousins" with them and not to worry about that. I shared with her that I applied in NYC and she immediately stopped crying. She said, "Mommy I would share a room with August if we were in the city. And I really like midtown, near Bryant Park, but I have started to also like the Upper East Side near Central Park."  And I knew then, that she'd be ok with a monster decision like heading North.

Finishing grad school I thought I would have a year to coast before making any decisions. But the decision to move on was made for me. (More about that later just to be safe). So now I am looking for the right fit for our family. And that may mean living in a one bedroom with room for a grandparent! Or staying right here and me teaching somewhere else. Or us moving south where I could teach in a smaller district. Regardless, I have a short window to make this decision. But I have done that twice before. Any adoptive parent knows, that we make our decision to adopt after meeting our children for an hour or so..We have to sign on the line and go with our gut, and I have made 2 very RIGHT choices when adopting, so this should be a cake walk!