Dawn

I am not sure I can even explain how a woman feels when a doctor says the word, "surrogate" to her. Especially when that woman is being dragged out from the most amazing drug induced surgical sleep...Honestly, if I remember one thing most, it would be being hungry. Starving. And even in a drug induced stupor, I remember begging my sister to go downstairs to get me a cheeseburger.  And I remember my mother's bracelets jingling as she stroked my forehead..

My next memory was arriving at my home. A home that was stripped of exactly one half of its contents. One half of the furnishings, one half of the tools and extras, and best, most of the food in the fridge. Yes, my idiot X took the food from our home. The cupboard was bare. At that point the only thing I could think of was how much time I would get in the county lockup if I were to lets say, "accidently" run him over with my car, 3 or 4 times. But thankfully, my sister was there to keep me from driving.

It was the summer and I had weeks to sit in my misery. Weeks to roll around ideas and replace what my idiot had taken. Weeks to surrender to it all. Thankfully, I did surrender to it. I gave it all up. I had fought the good fight. Some might say divorce is losing, but for me, I know I won. Not in the "I took him to the cleaners and got a hefty pay-out" more like, "I got out of that toxic, painful, lopsided, hurtful, relationship relatively unscathed."

In August I had surgery. On the last business day that December I was divorced. January 1st I mailed in my adoption application.   
I can't measure the heartache of divorce simply because the marriage was much more painful.
I never knew that adoption was a real option for me. Soon after the darkest time in my life, I found out that not only was it an option, it was to become the "dawn" that so many cliché's are based on.. It really is true,
"It's always darkest before the dawn.."