Loss

Never dreamed I would be rushing around for a last minute trip to Florida. Never in a million years did I think the expected would actually become the reality.

My only cousin on my mom's side. The son of her baby sister died yesterday. Suddenly. While at home. In her arms. While she tried desperately to bring him back with CPR.
He was gone before the ambulance arrived at the hospital. They worked on him with due diligence but in the end, it wasn't meant to be.

I put my mom on a plane to Tampa, where she drove the 2 additional hours to Gainesville. And now, I am heading to DMV to renew my license, (something I had forgotten all about) taking my dog to the vet, waiting here while the counter tops are being measured, only to get back later in the afternoon for the cable people to come and let me know why it doesn't work in the basement...I will be on a plane at 6 in the morning heading to Florida, to help support my aunt and my mom..
Darren was troubled for most of life. But it didn't stop anyone from loving him.
I wasn't especially close to him, but close to his mother who kept us in the loop about him.

Sometimes I think the poor kid was doomed with all the chaos that was going on in his early years. Then drugs came along, and he was deeply enveloped in a world that no one understood. Only recently after years in prison, and years of rehab, did it seem he was finally on the last legs of recovery. But we won't know for a while if he held fast to his recovery.

I think I am in shock. This is the first death in my family that I didn't see coming. He had lived a risky life for so long, I felt like he was a cat with nine lives. His mom, my mother's baby sister isolated herself in these past few years. She is not in great health, and with Darren, she could truly have a partner, nurse, helper, and friend. It was just the two of them for all these years, and with that comes the trappings of dysfunction on an almost epic level. My aunts heart was in the right place, but her boundaries weren't..

For me, I was most sad when I asked my mom "Isn't there anyone we can call to be with AuntieC until you get there?" and there wasn't. She was alone. Driven back to her home in a cab, only to enter the home where her beloved had just died...Just imagining it, makes me bawl like an infant. I wish there was a service to help the grieving to not be alone. The Jews sit Shiva, and most people who are a part of a Church gather around the family with food, and noise and diversions. Right now all she has is my mother.

My girlz are not going down for the funeral. The tickets to get us all there were 3000.00 and both girlz didn't want to go. This time, I don't think they should. Because of Darren's age, and the fact that I can't say, "He was old and lived a long life" I don't want to scare them. At my Grandmothers funeral, I got up to speak and read a scripture. As soon as I looked at my mother, I burst into tears in front of everyone. Anna yelled out from her seat, "MOOOmmmmmmmyyyy" and my sister and BFF Lee had to take care to settle the girlz down. Cause if momma cries, they cry. And I stood there in front of everyone trying to suck it up and get through my speech. I think I will be a mess at this funeral because of the situation, and I don't think I want to traumatize the girlz. Also, my sister got in from San Fran last night at midnight, and we picked her up, so the girlz are beat tired, and I simply don't have time to gather our stuff for a 6 AM flight. My sister is going to stay with the girlz and both of our dogs..
This is the worst part about being away from family.

Now my Aunt has no one down there, and we are hoping that she will come up here and spend some time. Her fragile health means she needs someone to watch over her, and I am hoping that she will accept my moms offer to come. She probably won't, and if she doesn't, I honestly feel she won't live another year. It's like when couples who have been married forever, and one of them passes away, the other passes away shortly after.

So that is where we are right now. Yesterday morning, my biggest concern was what color to choose for my countertops. Today, it seems ridiculous that I even stressed over it.


Pray for my Aunt if you are a
"Praying Kind of Person"....If not, just send as many positive vibes our way. This is going to be an impossible few days.

Guess What Deliciousness Is in My House?

So, guess what I have????
Ikea came and installed my new cabinets???
Guess who spent too much money and time at IKEA???

THIS GIRL~

And everything that I thought I would want for the floor and counters are out! No patterns for either as the kitchen turned out to be more "sweet" then "Funky" as I expected. So now, I have to consider what I should do...

Here is the view from where you first walk in...

 

 

 

 

This is a view from the other end of the kitchen..

 

 
 
 
This is the only single counter on the opposite side of the kitchen

 

This is the closet that I knocked out to make room for just a few more cabinets.

 

This is the view of my little corner.. You can see that we couldn't tear the walls down to the ceiling, somehow my builder guy told me there were support walls in there and we needed them. Whatever?

 

 

 

 

SO, what you put on the floor? What Would You do for counters??

September Schedules...What's a Mom to do?

I have been on Facebook seeing lots and lots of "classes" that our little ones are involved in lately and it has me thinking, "What's the point?"
Our kids for the most part may have some level of talent in one area or another, but are they really going to be the next Sara Mearns of the NYCBallet? Probably not. Are they so talented in soccer that they will make the Olympic team? Yeah, I am thinking no to that one too..
So all of this taxiing we do and all of this stress we have to get our children to the places they belong, "Is it worth it?" Most kids will end their lessons when finishing high school, so why do it all now? Why not spend that time and money on something that will carry them through adulthood? Hmmm, but what is an activity that will hold them that long? What can a child begin now, that will be useful as an adult?   I darn sure know, it Ain't tap lessons...

I watch a lot of Youtube videos, and what I have learned is that when a child is so self determined, so inwardly driven to do "insert activity" they will do it. They will practice alone when no one is watching. They will be ready and early for the drive. They will live for that activity. And are our kids truly "living" for the activities we put them in? For the most part, I know my girlz love dance. They don't LOVE ballet, but enjoy the fun they have with others. If I had my way, they would only take ballet. I mean really, how many times have you seen a tap dance ANY where except when your child is taking it? What could that tap class possibly teach your child that can extend to another activity..? As you can tell, I loathe tap class. It annoys me.

A new children's gym has opened by my house, and I would love for my girlz to join in there. Anna needs to swim so that she can drop some weight, and August is showing an interest in basketball. I have to look into it as I don't want to add anything rigid to our schedule..

So I wonder today, are there any Science clubs or Math teams out there? That would serve a purpose.  Are there any Computer Teams out there that can teach my girlz to program?

On another note, we have been learning Russian together as a family. We have a CD program and it's fun and easy and we do it in the car. The girlz love it when they can put a Russian word into everyday conversation. We are just beginning but like it none the less.

I am going to go to the new gym down the road today to see what programs they have. It is so close we could almost walk there!

45

My birthday was the other day and I am now 45...We did brunch at Silver Diner and then some Ikea Shopping...

August took this picture of me.

Mom got me a new sofa...Actually, we are getting an old sofa recovered!
Dad sent the most amazing gift. It is a book about the Kremlin that he bought on his first trip to Russia. He went in the mid 80's for the first time. The book is written in Russian in the front, and English in the back. It's awesome, and another cool thing to add to my collection!

I finished summer school and have almost finished setting up my classroom. One good thing about not going away is that I am super focused on next year already. I have been working on plans and matching those with the assessments and report card standards. I want to be clear for next year. This year is my 20th year in FCPS, (my 23rd year in total)and I want it to be my most amazing!  We are getting 3 new teachers on our team, so the 2 original Kindie teachers need to get all set up so we can help them out. My coworker and I are going back up tomorrow to work on planning and making sure we have everything ready to share.

Earlier the girlz and I went jetskiing with our friend Mr. Shane. He was so great with them. I knew August would be very afraid, (And she was at first) but by the end she was begging to take more turns. He took them out by themselves for loooong rides and showed them Mount Vernon, and lots of other little areas. Then after each girl had 2 turns, he took them out together. They really loved it. I didn't take a turn, watching them ride away made me car-sick so I took a pass. The girlz really love Mr. Shane. He messes with them and makes them laugh. I am sure he could have been doing a lot more fun things with people his own age, but we are so thankful that he took his day to spend it with the GreenGirlz! Thank you again Mr. Shane. We will take you to dinner when you make it up this way again!

10th

She has been known as MA-Sparkles for years..Her kindergarten teacher gave her that name, and it stuck..
She is also, Anni, On, Anechka, Loo-loo, bunny, and a variety of other silly names I come up with..


Today she is 10. And our day will be all about her..
American girl for lunch, maybe even a movie..

A look back can tell you so much about this soulful child of mine..

Happy 10th Birthday My Love!

Dawn

I am not sure I can even explain how a woman feels when a doctor says the word, "surrogate" to her. Especially when that woman is being dragged out from the most amazing drug induced surgical sleep...Honestly, if I remember one thing most, it would be being hungry. Starving. And even in a drug induced stupor, I remember begging my sister to go downstairs to get me a cheeseburger.  And I remember my mother's bracelets jingling as she stroked my forehead..

My next memory was arriving at my home. A home that was stripped of exactly one half of its contents. One half of the furnishings, one half of the tools and extras, and best, most of the food in the fridge. Yes, my idiot X took the food from our home. The cupboard was bare. At that point the only thing I could think of was how much time I would get in the county lockup if I were to lets say, "accidently" run him over with my car, 3 or 4 times. But thankfully, my sister was there to keep me from driving.

It was the summer and I had weeks to sit in my misery. Weeks to roll around ideas and replace what my idiot had taken. Weeks to surrender to it all. Thankfully, I did surrender to it. I gave it all up. I had fought the good fight. Some might say divorce is losing, but for me, I know I won. Not in the "I took him to the cleaners and got a hefty pay-out" more like, "I got out of that toxic, painful, lopsided, hurtful, relationship relatively unscathed."

In August I had surgery. On the last business day that December I was divorced. January 1st I mailed in my adoption application.   
I can't measure the heartache of divorce simply because the marriage was much more painful.
I never knew that adoption was a real option for me. Soon after the darkest time in my life, I found out that not only was it an option, it was to become the "dawn" that so many cliché's are based on.. It really is true,
"It's always darkest before the dawn.."

Chocolaty Fun

Since we decided to put off Disney World until Christmas, I have planned several little "stay-cation" trips around here. We just got back from Hershey Pennsylvania. And it was Swweeetttt!

I really lucked out in the hotel I chose. It was pretty much across the street from the Park and had a shuttle that took you back and forth all day. And the shuttle took literally 5 minutes to make the trip.
Mom and the girlz and I went to Chocolate World on the day we got to Hershey. It is totally perfect for young kids. There is a cool ride, some interactive activities, and lots of shopping. The best was the 4D movie. Those have become my absolute favorite. When the characters met up with the JollyRancher the whole theater smelled fruity, when the little "no-bots" came along the seats had little rubbery bands that popped out and blew air on your legs, and when the characters were in the chocolate factory the whole place smelled like chocolate. At the end of the movie, there was a celebration and confetti and bubbles flew out. It was truly awesome.  We spent a few hours checking out the activities and had lunch there. We went back to meet my sister at the hotel, and went swimming and visited. Then later we went over to see the Park for our preview night.

























Hershey Park is more "thrill-ride" centered than we are used to. So the cute easy going rides like Small World arent' there. Hershey Park reminds me of an old school amusement park. The cool thing that they do is allow you to go into the park for 3 hours on the night before you plan to come. They call it a preview night.    I was so glad that we did this. It gave us a chance to see a few things and get a feel for the park before hand.

Anni found the one ride that I wish I could still ride. The Swings! I used to ride this ride over and over when I was her age. At my age now, I can barely watch it without feeling sea-sick. She rode this ride about 5 times while we were there. It was awesome!

AugustRose was nervous and backed out of most of the high intensity rides. She chose some of the low key rides on our preview night. My sis and Annie rode a big ole roller coaster and a few other scary rides. I wish more than anything I could ride like I used to, but my tummy won't allow it.

The weather was very gloomy, thank goodness, because we would have been miserable if it would have been hot. We went to the park the next day and slowly worked our
way through most of the 'doable' rides. Midway through the day, we went to the waterpark that is inside the park. It was fun, and we could have actually spent all day there, but we just never felt comfortable leaving all of our belongings on a chair. They had lockers, but we just always had someone hanging out with our stuff so we felt better about it. The girlz did this really cool surfing thing at one point. I just knew August would back out, but because we weren't in the line with her, she couldn't. And I know she was so proud of herself for doing it.

After the water park, we went back to the hotel for a rest. Mom was sort of done and we all wanted to change out of our bathing suites. We got a chance to lay around before we went back to the park. It had been raining a tiny bit, but was overcast all day. Even still, I got sunburned.

We went back and the most amazing thing happened. AUGUST RODE A GIANT ROLLER COASTER! Mom didn't ride it, but I did. So we all had a blast! It was called the Comet. (The video is not us, just a point of reference!) It was amazing. August said afterward, "I feel so alive!"  We were all so excited that she did it!

The evenings are not crowded at all, so we got a chance to play endless games, ride any ride with a short or no wait, and the cool evening weather was lovely. We stayed until almost closing and left with wonderful memories. I highly recommend Hershey for local families. It was a great first "stay-cation" destination!

The GreenGirlz