The Ladies in My Life

We are only missing our Dear Cat GiaLuna, as she was in the hotel room. We were enjoying the glorious spring day at Bryant Park..My girlz fit in as if they have always been in NYC, mom does too. My little dog Perriwinkle loves a good park visit.

These are the ladies in my life. And I love 'em to bits!

Half

Time to find the other HALF OF MYSELF

 

 

 

For 2 years, it seems all I have done is read, research, write, and repeat. Although grad school was extremely satisfying, It did pull half of me away from my girlz. I have been a super sketchy mom allowing them some freedom to push themselves, but to also leave messes we are about to clean up.

I did learn that Anna can  wash her own clothes. And both girls can do garbage duty. As for a million other things, it's time I focus on rejoining the program around my house. Many of you know, our house had a little flood in October and we lived in a hotel for months. While there, I realized we can survive and thrive on way less stuff and way less space. Both girlz' grades improved with AugustRose making straight A's and Anna making that ONE C+ in advanced math. But we had set backs while there as well. AR had to have surgery for a blockage cause by her adenoids and Anna went through a long nuero-visual testing cycle to find out she has complete right sided double vision. She began weekly vision therapy and has had to change her glasses prescription twice.

I had to make a million house decisions, as a section of my home had been demo'd to the studs. Throughout this process, of course my parents helped. My mom began making the hour long drive to Anna's vision therapy each week, and my dad came up to act as my contractor for the house.

People often roll their eyes when they hear the quote, "It takes a village....." but in our little family, it's the norm. My girlz don't know what it's like to not have the GRANS here everyday. It's their normal. We are the new normal, and when people say, "I don't know how you do it being a single working mom in grad school..." I tell them, "I'm not on my own." My parents help a lot."  And they do.

And that brings us to now..

In some sense, I lost my job. Not that I was fired or de-staffed, rather I was taken out of early childhood and put into teach the third grade. Now I know this doesn't seem like a big deal to many of you. But that's like asking a pediatrician to help geriatric patients. (Not that I think I am that qualified, but I do watch a lot of surgeries on Youtube). The point is, the students are not the same. A five year old is my target audience. They love my ever changing hair color. They love when I wear the ridiculous animal shaped earrings from Claires. And forget about my outfits. I have created an adult version of the Punky Brewster look that kills it for a five year old. And the best part of kindergarten, is I can start by simply being kind to them. Kindie allows me find the silly in each child and embrace it. There's no, time in the past 10 years when I have gotten angry with a child. Even when they have done the WORST a five year old could do, (maybe saying an actual bad word, or taking their friends belongings) There's something expected about it, and I can smile in my soul knowing that's pretty normal and I can handle it. They may talk too much, but that's normal. They twirl in the hallway, but really, who doesn't sort of giggle when you see a kid twirl? And I get that these little people in my room are someone's ENTIRE WORLD. I don't call parents a million times to complain. I don't harass them with letters about behavior. Because it takes the entire year to train them to be in school. And that part is my job to handle.

My master's program was over 35K and in order for the state to pay back more than half of that, I have to teach in early childhood. So that means leaving my job of 17 years. And not on my own terms. So I have been working like a bee to organize for next steps. Anyone who really knows me, knows that I have wanted to leave my school, but the relationships have kept me there. I am a "stayer." So I have had one interview to transfer, and have one coming up. But so many schools look for young teachers. They think I am too set in my ways and get buy into their way of doing it. So ageism is a big real factor. I have also applied to the New York City Public School system. Yes, I can hear you all saying, "HOLY JEEZ" how would you ever afford it? The simple answer is barely.

I would make less money there, because they don't give you all the salary years you may have, but I would rent out my house and make the difference. And even then, we would have to more than triple my house payment I have now. But, hey, go big or go home. I am also applying to some systems that are not part of the hiring group agreement. Meaning they can hire me after August. I am just starting some of those applications.

But my heart is sort of broken. I have cried a whole lot lately. And earlier in the week, I think I may have had a panic attack. Not really sure as I don't normally have them. I told Anna about the whole thing on Thursday. She bawled her eyes out.  Her first response was to ask about what would happen to Mrs. Stacy and Mrs. Heather? Will we still see them? (These are 2 dear long-time friends that we have holiday gathering with each year, we call the kids "work cousins") Will Mrs. Rose still come to our party? (Another friend who has started to come with us to holiday events) I told her we would always be "work cousins" with them and not to worry about that. I shared with her that I applied in NYC and she immediately stopped crying. She said, "Mommy I would share a room with August if we were in the city. And I really like midtown, near Bryant Park, but I have started to also like the Upper East Side near Central Park."  And I knew then, that she'd be ok with a monster decision like heading North.

Finishing grad school I thought I would have a year to coast before making any decisions. But the decision to move on was made for me. (More about that later just to be safe). So now I am looking for the right fit for our family. And that may mean living in a one bedroom with room for a grandparent! Or staying right here and me teaching somewhere else. Or us moving south where I could teach in a smaller district. Regardless, I have a short window to make this decision. But I have done that twice before. Any adoptive parent knows, that we make our decision to adopt after meeting our children for an hour or so..We have to sign on the line and go with our gut, and I have made 2 very RIGHT choices when adopting, so this should be a cake walk!

 

So Much

Coming back to this blog tonight to share...

We've really struggled this year. My commute has still been a huge nuisance. I hurry everyday to get myself ready, rush out away from my girlz, only to sit in my van and wait. Wait in an endless line of cars inching our way along. And more than anything, I resent those hours. The 40 or so hours a month alone in my thoughts. Thoughts on my girlz. 

I lost my only cousin in the summer, and last month, my dad's only remaining uncle. And those deaths have profoundly impacted my thoughts. I worry more, I am nervous more, and anxious more. Throw in graduate school, and my own personal shortcomings and we are simply ...barely making it. 

Next week, I visit a psychiatrist for the first of what I hope is many family visits. You see, all this worry and anxiety has affected my girlz as well..Mainly my littlest stardust angel baby. She is the most troubled by our busy-ness..But I am confident that therapy will help all of us. Cause I must do the right and most healthy thing for my girlz. 

I may be painting a down picture, and I don 't want to ...Just being honest. Most of the time, we are good, no, great..But when we are in the dumps, it is epic!

We went to the Gaylord just the three of us. For Easter. To have that magical time with only us..And I can't wait to go to Florida this year. We missed it last year and I honestly think it set our year off on a low note..

Tonight, I said a prayer for us. Because the Greengirlz are Up to Here, and need a little break. Florida cannot come soon enough!

The Stressors of Russian Children

 What I know about Russia is there are many, many orphans. Some are true orphans who have been given up at birth, and many others are social orphans. Those are children who have parents. But for one reason or another the parents cannot or do not take care of their children. Some of these parents have voluntarily given their children to the state. Some parents have lost their children do to the state realizing the lack of care.
The stressors that impact both category of orphan are varied. As I began to research for this blog entry, I could find very little peer reviewed documentation on the effects of being an orphan. I could find very little research either. What I know is that for now, Russia is making every effort to keep these orphans in the country. They no longer allow US citizens to adopt these children.
Russia is making efforts to encourage it's own citizens to adopt.

This is from an NGO working in Russia to encourage it's families to consider adoption. I would love to say that the people are doing this out of the goodness of their hearts, but I worry that the fact that there is now a payment for adoption, is a reason that people are adopting.

For ME

ok..so  here are some randoms for ME to remember..

The only difference between a goal and a dream is a TIMELINE.
"Being Happy. Being A Good Mom" Those aren't plans. Everyone wants that..Specific details need to be in place..
The most important part of planning for the future is to establish an image..As in, WHO DO YOU WANT TO BE, HOW DO YOU WANT THE WORLD TO VIEW YOU?

Teaching in Russia. Working in Russia -  OUT FOREVER. Not only is there risks associated with being American, I am single and people could think I am lesbian, and TAKE MY CHILDREN.. Yes, I wrote that. Because it's a law in Russia now..
Also, we are past the point of my girlz doing what I want. Anni got accepted into an All Girlz program and looks very forward to it. My girlz cannot be away from our family. I cannot ask them to spend the money just to come see us if we were overseas. PLUS-I can't get a job. Time to move on. This is just a direction I can never go. And although I am sure it's because I have 2 children and no spouse, I would never trade a child or TAKE ON A SPOUSE just to get a job in Russia..

I want to write. So I have to just do it. Teaching can be a means to and end. And If writing is my passion, I may never write a book, or publish it, but I can write it to fulfill my passion..

Ok-More notes later. Just wanted to get this down while it was on my mind.

Christmas

What an amazing Christmas..My aunt Carolyn, (the one who lost her son a few months ago) was scheduled to come up for the holiday, but fell out of her house the week before, and broke her leg and arm..She is in a rehab center and will be there for a bit. Pretty sad. She has had a brain bleed a few years ago, and is so fragile. I just can't wrap my head around her heartache this first holiday without my cousin Darren...But there was nothing we could do to get her here..
My dad is here and we decided NOT to go to the Gaylord or Church this year. It ends up getting so hectic and causes stress, so I cooked a bunch of appetizers and the girlz played in the neighborhood and we all just relaxed...I made a small meal (Wow Go Figure, I cooked!!) and then let the grownups open some gifts. The girlz opened their gifts from each other, and their gift from me..
I always get them new pjs, but this year I got them some bath stuff..We have fallen in love with LUSH, a fabulous company that makes natural stuff...So to give the girlz a treat treat for their Christmas Eve bath, I got them a bath bomb, the Christmas Eve bomb. I also got them a Silver Star bath melt..They were really tickled with this. They love finding special treats like this. What I  love is that these products are all natural and NEVER tested on animals.
I premade breakfast casseroles for the fam, and when the girlz got up, we did the grownups stockings, and let "Santa" gifts be opened...I had gotten tons of clearance stuff from Justice and oddly enough, Macy's..They had one of the best sales. I also finally broke down and got the girlz PillowPets lights. Again, on a 20% sale. I saved $14.00 dollars off of each of them..I took that savings and bought a couple of Shared gifts. I got a cotton candy machine and a couple of family games. The girlz opened their gifts and then it was time to give them their Ipads. And it was awesome. Anna wants a keyboard for hers but there are so many different kinds so I didn't get that yet. I found smart pads on ebay with free stylus' and they have been tickled with that. But I am going to get both of them some sort of carrier for them. My sister got them ITunes cards to buy them their favorite games and turns out, because they share the account, when one child buys a game, they both get it!! SCORE!!!

My parents loved the treats we bought for them. I always do those Yankee Candle car in a jar for their stockings, and also get them some sort of silly funny treats..This year I found the perfect keychains for everyone from Coach..HUGE discount at the outlet store. HUGE!
I know that I am dropping several "name-brands" on this post, but honestly I buy this stuff once a year, and have been so impressed with the savings and discounts that were offered this year. From my list of favorites, the only company/retailor/store that I wasn't impressed with was ToysRUs..They never seem to have great storewide discounts. They choose certain products and discount those..The girlz wanted Nerf guns this year and they did offer half off the second gun. So when I went there, I looked about to see what else they had on discount. The headphones were all about 40.oo, uhm no..their Ipad cases all about 40.oo  another no...and because my girlz LOVED the movie frozen, I wanted to get some silliness from the movie..They had a small selection but not enough of a savings. So I left TRU with 2 items..

The only other retailor/store that I usually go to at Christmas time is Bath and Body works..Sadly, we aren't going there as we switched over to Lush..The only product they are lacking is a hand soap for daily use. As soon as they develop that, I think they will be complete!!

We are still celebrating and enjoying family time. I am finally getting my house together and putting away things that we are no longer using..Bye Bye American Girl..You are going into the attic!
OHHHH, I finished this semester and got A's in my courses. WHew, what a huge relief. I start my next round of classes in a week, so I am gearing up for a whole lot more reading!

So happppy holiday my friends. Enjoy your time with family and friends!

Wow...

Just completing my semester in grad school..Whew! Lot's harder than I anticipated. Christmas is in a few days and I am pretty much set where that is concerned. Shshshshs, don't want to give any secrets away!

Been doing research on becoming a Court Appointed Guardian Ad Litem. It's a very long process and the first part is a lot of reading. I have my paperwork, and looking into which court system would be most appropriate for me. Some are closer, but require more, some are farther but actually pay more..So just working it out. The masters must be in hand before I take this on though! Through this process, I have read a lot of nonsense that I have a hard time wrapping me head around.
As a mother who doesn't have to share her babies with anyone, I honestly don't know how to handle reading about alleged situations that involve abuse, crime, neglect, and substance issues. Add a basic willingness to do the least amount of parenting and you have a real mess in the courts.
One area that specifically touched my heart was the area of child support. I knew there was a formula that is in play, but what I didn't know was that if both parties agree, amounts can be adjusted up or down.

What I still don't understand is what I have termed,
"the walk."
This is the move where one of the parents simply walks away from all financial responsibility of raising a child. They continue to live their life, and don't look back. I think those parents don't realize that one day, that child is going to grow up and become an adult. That adult child is going to say, "What the hell? Why didn't you help?" and no amount of, "Oh honey your XXX didn't need help." is going to work. That adult child is going to remember that you didn't bother with what really mattered, which is helping the custodial parent..
So let's take a look at the most basic level of care that a non custodial parent can provide....

What kind of parent leaves a child's welfare up to one parent? Is it fair for women to say, "He has more money so he can handle the burden of caring for the children in all manners financial." How is it that if the father has full custody the mothers don't bother to pay Anything?

Really, if you have a child, you know what it takes to raise a child..Let's start with the basic 3, (Food, Clothing, and Shelter)
Shelter is a hard one. How do you put an amount on what a Non Custodial Parent should pay?
You have to consider what it takes to run that household. Mortgage, electricity, water, cable, phone, etc...What? maybe each child theoretically uses 75.00 per month on these..We can super lowball that in half and it's 37.50
And then there is food. Kids eat like little piglets. Always hungry, always nibbling. I have to imagine that kids eat at least 100.00 worth of food in a month, so lets divide that in half. So a lowball estimate, 50.00
Then there is clothing. Depending on the age of the child, I can safely estimate that at 75.00 per month..So that is 37.50
*But not in the mix are the gagillions of other things that kiddos need. Club dues, t-shirts, field trip money, movie money, haircuts, co-pays at the doctor and dentists, and prescriptions. Then you have to add in all the gas money the custodial parent spends running that child around. So even though we all know it's way more, lets put a figure on this area as 75.00, that would be a whopping 37.50
Ok, so let's add it up..
37.50
50.00
37.50
37.50
_____________
162.50 Total

I mean really, in a month we all know that ONE child can use up more than that on food, but I was being super conservative. If you can't scurry up that for one child, you really don't deserve to call yourself a parent. I mean come on, I bet you spend that kind of money on your phone or cable bill..Or eating out and going to bars. You need to hit the corner, or start selling plasma if you don't have that much to give for one child.
OH WAIT, you say to yourself, but what if I have more than one child? Then I say, the custodial parent is probably cursing your name, cause they are paycheck to paycheck since your not pulling your weight..2 kids, that's 325.oo a month.....3 kids, 487.50....4 kids, 650.00....5 kids, 812.50...
What I hear a lot is the parent who is paying the child support saying, "They spend that money on themselves." Really? You have a boatload of kids and aren't paying diddly squat yet you are worried that your X is buying Ferrari's on your dime..GET OVER YOURSELF!!!

Think about all the single parents out there who are making it with NO HELP>>>
(If you are paying the amount above per child, or less; then I am pulling out my DIRTBAG card and handing it to you.)


So parents, I'd like to throw out a little free advice, raise up that CS payment or you will truly pay later.

I have so much to share about NYC. But I have a paper due, and I am just starting it today. So the details will have to wait. What I will share is that mom and the girlz and I had a blast. Pedi cabs, Dylan's Candy Bar, Pappabubble, Frozen, Time Square, Rock Center, the Parade, Bloomingdales, the bus ride to and from, Starlight Diner, Lil' Italy, China Town,(As Auggie calls it, JapanTown) were all amazing.
I got a killer deal on 2 NorthFace coats at Bloomies, I saved 70.00!! And we got the ones both girlz wanted. The other happy happy was that we could see the parade from our room! AMAZE!!! We did go to the parade though..Stayed long enough to see the DUCK DYnasty crew and a few others..

It was just blissful. Time with my girlz and Mom..just doesn't get better!

On a Side Note..

Can you imagine how long it's been since writing APA style and citing endless sources? A while.

I have come to remember hanging indents, running headers, and the APA handbook...and they are now my new best friends!
I have enjoyed pushing myself in this way. I used to write scholarly texts in an awesome sort of way, but blogging, texting, tweeting, and facebook have sunk my skills to an all time LOW~ re-learning is often pretty meaningful.

And on another note. Do you ever get the sense that there are 2 groups of people.
Group 1 is the smallest, and consists of people who learn their lessons pretty quickly. Maybe they didn't at one point, and something traumatic or painful pushed them into this group.

Group 2 is where I think a large percentage of people fall..
I mean come on, are you still thinking he will change?
Is he really going to leave his wife for you?
OH,,I see, NOW you know how to successfully drink and drive. NOW, after your 3rd DUI you all LEARNED UP!
OK, so you are always broke, and owe people money? So that big new toy in your front yard? I guess you needed that "insert whatever high priced item you see fit"..
Right....your bullshit job that pays you nothing is important to you, never the mind that it doesn't cover your bills...
So tell me again. Why are you going out to dinner or movies when you owe everybody and their brother?

Ohhhh, I get it. Calling me "Dude" in an apology letter makes you all of the sudden credible.

I am surrounded in life with people who make the right decisions and are with me in group 1. But there are those on the fringe that I have to laugh at. We have all told them. We have all shaken our heads slowly up and down with our mouths wide open as they share about this new "thing" they just bought..(cringing at the fact that they never did pay ya back the money they owe..)

and for the record. It took me a long time to get out of that group. But after learning my lessons, I happily swim in the "got it pond."

Checking in..

I haven't been run over by a truck, nor have I run away from home..

GRADUATE SCHOOL
PARENTING
TEACHING

NUFF SAID..

I have a required blog from one of my graduate classes that I have been working on..
Everything I have on there is a required entry, so it takes me a week to get the info published. Take a look if you please..
www.chaosandglueguns.blogspot.com/

Another Krap Sandwich That Has Wrecked My Orphan Sunday...

Clearly I am in the throws of a midlife crisis..
If you could see the chaos in my house, my general life anxiety, the pain of what I think is the dreaded return of H-Pylori, you'd say, "Maybe your life is a mess, and it's not the midlife crisis."
But I forgot to remind you that I am in graduate school. And the courses move quickly. I forgot to share that what I thought was a grant approved program, is not. Meaning, the program does not qualify for the 20K I just accepted. Because I work in a Title 1school, I was supposed to be able to teach for 5 years and the dreaded 20K would disappear. Well over the weekend I received notice that I do not meet the requirement for the grant. You see, I don't teach science or math, I am not a reading specialist..WTF? You morons deciding on the grant, I TEACH ALL OF THOSE THINGS!!! So now, after working my tail off, I have to figure out this equation.
Help me won't you?

I will get a raise of around 2300. for earning my masters. (I already receive the +15 stipend).
The masters will cost OVER 26K.and that doesn't include my time commitment. It doesn't include the amount of anxiety I have over learning the SAME SHIT, I have known for 23 years!!! (Excuse my language, I am horrified today..)
I can retire in 9 years.   9 X 2300.oo = 20, 700.00
Is it worth it? Does the amount of work I am pouring into this program equal the pay raise? Now, lets' not forget that NOW THAT MY SCHOOL HAS DEEMED me ineligible  for the TEACHgrant, I have to pay back the entire amount with interest. HELL NO!!!

So this winds me back to my original position.
Is this my breaking point? Or is this a plain and simply ole fashioned mid life crisis?
Do I walk on my graduate  program? (A program that, BTW I was not truly interested in) We all know I want to actually learn something new. I want to study overseas, I want to learn Russian History...

Honestly, I don't want a red corvette, I don't want a young a fabulous boy toy..Ya know what I want? I want the world to make sense. I want to learn NEW information when I am paying 2500. per course, I want Kanye to fall off a bridge, I want Putin to be caught in a glorious homosexual fiasco, I want Ted Cruz and his crazy ass father, Rafael Cruz to stop acting like they represent ANYONE in this country..And they can join Kanye on the edge of that bridge, I'll push 'em..


AAAAhhh, let the world make sense. Let me be in the moment again. Let me be that girl who wasn't afraid to take the biggest leap of faith and adopt..Twice,... Lord, I beg you to help me find my way. Cause friends, this weekend's Krap Sandwhich has really thrown a hitch in my giddy-up!


BUT LOOK, I finally have a school picture without a double chin...


That's something!!

*If anyone points out that one eye is bigger than the other one, I will ask Kanye to go get you, and then I will push you all off the bridge!

CrapSandwich

I guess my horribly biting post about EBT cards at 7-11 isn't going to happen. I have written it twice, and both times, I lost it due to a pooter malfunction.
So here is what I wanted to say in a few phrases...

7-11, dirtbag lady with fancy shoes, boatloads of children with even fancier shoes, buys oodles of junk food then pays with and EBT card. Then comes back with cash to buy blunts...Leaving her many chidlren outside on the curb.
Me furious, go home and look up EBT cards. Get more furious. End of story.


Not as witty or biting without complete sentences. But you get the point.

And there is this...

Soooo, there is a touch more DELICIOUSNESS in this house! A counter top!!!

After living like the Ingalls family for months, we now have running water, a new sink, and a FABOO counter top..

Now, to clarify, the only thing in my kitchen that actually matches what I originally thought I wanted, are the cabinets. Nothing I have done since then seems to go along with them..
I had investigated, searched, shopped and thought I found the best deal on counter tops. The quartz ending up being ....wait for it..... 4800.oo smackers! And on the day I planned to go and give them the down payment, I called my mom and said, "I CAN"T DO IT"...I just couldn't. It seemed so outrageous to spend that kind of money on one thing..
So I had to start over in my counter top quest. I ended up going to a shop and honestly looking at one slab and said, "Do It.."
And as it turned out, I love it..
It is granite. Which I thought I hated. But it has a lot of movement to the pattern, and it looks more like marble than granite.

My new double sink is lovely as well..AND my new faucet, Perfect..

So now I have to decide on the back splash. NOTHING I had planned will work. I had originally thought of having a very "still" counter top so that I could have a wild back splash..So now I have to figure out what will go with my new counters...

I am just beginning my new search and found these lovely options at Home Depot. Not sure if any of them work. The patterns sort of work against the counters..What I do know is that I LOVE my new stuff!!!

Still Learning

Can you remember back to the time where you were a teenager and your parents made you sick? Literally, sick. The sound of my mother's voice could send my into a tyrannical rage. I usually heard it early on a Saturday morning. Screaming at me to gather the dirty dishes from my room. To gather the dirty laundry..I would squeeze the pillow tightly around my ears and beg that she would somehow magically, miraculously drop dead in the kitchen. And I could sleep. Alone in my filthy teenage bedroom...

And now, at 45 I am ever so thankful to hear my parents voice. Everyday hearing my mom. And almost as much, hearing my dad..And after all this time, I enjoy their company. I enjoy listening to their crazy Republican political opinions. I love hearing each of them in their own way try to guide me through the difficult life decisions I make for my girlz and for myself..
They have been true to me. True to their job title. They are parents. Not my friends, not my equal, but my mom and dad. I can only offer, "yes ma'am and No Sir" as an homage to the respect I feel for them. At my age, they know they can't tell me what to do, only encourage..

But what I have learned over the past couple of years, is that they haven't let me down. And they have helped me tremendously. They have reached out to help others, simply because it was for me. For that I thank them both.

I have made some pretty serious choices in relationships that were not only dangerous and hurtful, but predictable. As both of my parents tried to teach me from a young age, "You really should help people, but not to the extent it will hurt you." And it seems that most of the time, I have done that very thing. I have put myself behind a decision that only ended up hurting. BUT, the practical side of me has never let it hurt too deeply.


Most of the time I have seen crazy coming..But I don't always remember:
"When someone shows you who they are, Believe Them.." But I am learning....

5 Fall Favorites

Hevel told Nellie and now I am inclined to do the same...So what are 5

I am loving right now?


1)   I adore Diana Taurasi. She is an WNBA basketball player. She went to UConn and she was part of the team that won 3 national championships. She was drafted to play for Phoenix. And until this week, I had never heard of her. She was the player who had a little shoving match on the court and then leaned in to kiss the other player. Seemed way out of line when I first saw the video clip. Now after endlessly googling and youtubing, I learned that she and that other player have played together since they were little girlz. And they are friends. Why am I so infatuated with this lady? She plays in Russia for 7 months out of the year...Yep. Now she can do no wrong!!!

2) Knowing that my class is in planning mode for our trip to the pumpkin patch. This trip is the most fun trip in the world.  And yes, there is kettle corn, yes, we get to bring home a pumpkin, and yes they have calves and baby goats! LLLLOOOOVVVEEEE

3)  My countertops will be installed in a week. We have lived like the Ingalls family with no kitchen sink for nearly two months. I finally narrowed down the choices and just said, DO IT!

4) My new sofa..AugustRose and my mom found a cool sofa a while back. My mom had it recovered to match my grandmother's chair..It's awesome!!

5) My dog's new haircut is growing out in a way that makes her look like a proper dog and not  a bath mat...

Oh No They Didn't...

So I was looking at research on the poor, as it is a huge factor in the success of students, and WOAH! I started finding hundred of articles on single mothers..Diving deeper, I found even more articles on 'WHY MEN SHOULD NEVER DATE SINGLE MOMS'...
I made the mistake and read a few.
Here are some highlights.

Widows are not considered single moms.
Divorced women are not considered single moms.

Single moms are women who have children without the benefit of marriage.

I don't what group I fall into. But clearly these idiot men have actually hit the truth on so many levels..

It's true, I would never have a child without the benefit of marriage. I wouldn't want to share my child with anyone I wasn't willing to marry.

It's true and statistics have shown that given the circumstance, many of the offspring of single mothers are at higher risk of poverty. But guess what? We all are a couple of paychecks away from complete financial devastation!!!

But most important to me, is that there is no research to substantiate what will happen to the offspring who adopt and choose NOT to date. And that is the group I am in.
I refuse to put anyone on the same Love Level as my children. I won't date. Not for me. I put every ounce of my being into working and raising my girlz. They are first in my life, and they know it. The statistics of bringing a man into the home are clear. Sexual abuse is much likelier to happen than if a non-related man does not live with young chidlren. No man is worth that..
Also, I am financially able to live on my own. I can do what I need right by myself..Except for all the things my PARENTS take care of!! HAHAHAHA
Why would I take love away from my chidlren and give it to a man. Hey, Men, Guess What?" I don't need to share my life with you...So get over yourself!

Busy Busy!

So let's just add to the "busy" plate shall we?

I am in grad school. Finally finishing my masters. Of the 24 hours of graduate credit that I have, none of them amount to anything I'd like to really study so I am just finishing with the MS in Early Childhood. I had hoped that at least a few of the classes could transfer into a History Masters, but no..
And I have searched literally every school on the east coast in hopes of finding a program in Russian History or Russian Studies, but everyone of them requires graduate level Russian. No matter how much Pimsleur or Rosetta Stone I do, I just won't be able to write and read in the language.
So I am just doing what is easiest and finishing up with elementary education with a focus on early childhood. I will be finished this year and then I can actually find a history program, and then work on a second masters later on..

Anna's foot is healed and she will begin dance this week. She is only taking tap. Why, you ask? BECAUSE SHE IS  JOINED A SWIM TEAM!!! Am I crazy you ask?? Actually, this time I am not as nervous about the time commitment because the gym where they will swim in not even a 1/2 mile from my house. Oddly an adult fitness center closed and a Kids Choice Gym replaced it. So I can actually be there in about 2 minutes. LOVE IT!!

August is still taking 2 dance classes but they on back to back on one of the days that Anna will swim. So mom will take her to dance, and I will go sweat it out at the pool, I already dread the smell of chorine.

School is tootling along. My 3 new teammates are amazing. They are young and adorable and bring lots of ideas and giggles to the table. My favorite part is that I have the daughter of a co-teacher in my class. I remember when this child was born! Time flies!

Both of my girlz are actually liking school and getting into a nice rhythm of homework and play. Anni has been going to Wednesday night Church since last year, and she is loving that again. Her first school friend goes and takes Anni so I get a little one on one time with Auggie.

I am already looking forward to our trip to NYC. We are taking the train this year just to mix it up. My back hurt so much when we came back from Hershey Park that I am afraid to chance it on another 4 hour drive. Plus, Amtrak is only 300.00 for all 4 of us to go. (mom goes) I haven't found a hotel yet. This year my mom wants to stay somewhere "fancy"..Whatever! Fancy in NYC is over 500.00 a night. The one hotel she really wanted was 1100.00 per night! Uhhmmm, no thank you!

I promised the girlz we would go camping again this year. But this time, we would spend the night. I have a friend who will let us use her tent, but something tells me, I might get a weeee bit nervous in the night. I looked at tear-drop campers online a while back, Cayuuuute! But no way, until I get a nice little savings in the bank, I am not buying anything.

Kitchen is still in process, so  I am just hating my house, but we are sooo close. The countertops are getting put in very soon, and then it's a downhill slide..

So that's us at the beginning of the year. Not too bad!!

A Special Request

I know that everyone who may read this may not be on Facebook, but if you are, I have a request. Please find the page called 

"Prayers For Ellie"

This child is really struggling with a brain disorder that is not actually diagnosed. They have been in and out of the hospital for several years now trying to figure out what is happening. Ellie is the daughter of the operations director and the children's ministry leader at my Church. They have been central in the lives of so many people at New Hope Church. When I came home from Russia with Anna, they were at the airport to greet us. This family adopted a child from Russia using my same agency and in a weird twist, they were the family that encouraged a single lady named Brenda to adopt. At my very first small group meeting, Brenda shared a video of a "referral" of her soon to be baby. I was secretly in the process of ending my marriage, and struggling with the fact that our fertility efforts were over. Brenda walked me through the idea of "single mom adoption" and Voila, here we are!

God works in the most crazy ways. I can't figure out what lesson we should be learning from Ellie's illness. Ellie was absolutely fine until about 2 and half years ago when she had her first seizure. It has rapidly gone down hill and she just left the hospital after an 11 day stay. This stay included brain surgery and a lung biopsy. At this point, she cannot eat/swallow, and is unsteady on her feet. She has 3 brothers and 1 sister and they are amazing in their efforts to keep her upbeat and positive, but her parents are terrified and drained from the amount of medical intervention and treatment required just to find a specific diagnosis. They are inches away from being part of a research study for children with brain conditions and need prayers as they begin that process...

I haven't been to Church all summer. My heart just wasn't in it. I have felt alone and isolated there. But this weekend, For Ellie, I am going back. God works through others to bring us together and I just want to "get over myself" and be at New Hope where I know I can find my way, again.. So take a look and Like the Page:

https://www.facebook.com/prayersforellieschleyer

I am thanking the sweet Lord that I was able to get to Norfolk  this weekend for my sweet Aunt Nancy's memorial..
Got to spend a fabulous weekend with the Bill/Nancy family and it was wonderful! Promise to post pics of my gorgeous family soon..

I am home now to deal with a financial nightmare that has nearly brought me to tears..Let's just say, I am not happy about what has happened with my bank, and because it is a holiday, I can't call or do anything more until Tuesday..Oh yeah, that's the first day of school so I may not be able to do anything then either! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

Pray for me friends..I am THISSSSS close to a break down!

Loss

Never dreamed I would be rushing around for a last minute trip to Florida. Never in a million years did I think the expected would actually become the reality.

My only cousin on my mom's side. The son of her baby sister died yesterday. Suddenly. While at home. In her arms. While she tried desperately to bring him back with CPR.
He was gone before the ambulance arrived at the hospital. They worked on him with due diligence but in the end, it wasn't meant to be.

I put my mom on a plane to Tampa, where she drove the 2 additional hours to Gainesville. And now, I am heading to DMV to renew my license, (something I had forgotten all about) taking my dog to the vet, waiting here while the counter tops are being measured, only to get back later in the afternoon for the cable people to come and let me know why it doesn't work in the basement...I will be on a plane at 6 in the morning heading to Florida, to help support my aunt and my mom..
Darren was troubled for most of life. But it didn't stop anyone from loving him.
I wasn't especially close to him, but close to his mother who kept us in the loop about him.

Sometimes I think the poor kid was doomed with all the chaos that was going on in his early years. Then drugs came along, and he was deeply enveloped in a world that no one understood. Only recently after years in prison, and years of rehab, did it seem he was finally on the last legs of recovery. But we won't know for a while if he held fast to his recovery.

I think I am in shock. This is the first death in my family that I didn't see coming. He had lived a risky life for so long, I felt like he was a cat with nine lives. His mom, my mother's baby sister isolated herself in these past few years. She is not in great health, and with Darren, she could truly have a partner, nurse, helper, and friend. It was just the two of them for all these years, and with that comes the trappings of dysfunction on an almost epic level. My aunts heart was in the right place, but her boundaries weren't..

For me, I was most sad when I asked my mom "Isn't there anyone we can call to be with AuntieC until you get there?" and there wasn't. She was alone. Driven back to her home in a cab, only to enter the home where her beloved had just died...Just imagining it, makes me bawl like an infant. I wish there was a service to help the grieving to not be alone. The Jews sit Shiva, and most people who are a part of a Church gather around the family with food, and noise and diversions. Right now all she has is my mother.

My girlz are not going down for the funeral. The tickets to get us all there were 3000.00 and both girlz didn't want to go. This time, I don't think they should. Because of Darren's age, and the fact that I can't say, "He was old and lived a long life" I don't want to scare them. At my Grandmothers funeral, I got up to speak and read a scripture. As soon as I looked at my mother, I burst into tears in front of everyone. Anna yelled out from her seat, "MOOOmmmmmmmyyyy" and my sister and BFF Lee had to take care to settle the girlz down. Cause if momma cries, they cry. And I stood there in front of everyone trying to suck it up and get through my speech. I think I will be a mess at this funeral because of the situation, and I don't think I want to traumatize the girlz. Also, my sister got in from San Fran last night at midnight, and we picked her up, so the girlz are beat tired, and I simply don't have time to gather our stuff for a 6 AM flight. My sister is going to stay with the girlz and both of our dogs..
This is the worst part about being away from family.

Now my Aunt has no one down there, and we are hoping that she will come up here and spend some time. Her fragile health means she needs someone to watch over her, and I am hoping that she will accept my moms offer to come. She probably won't, and if she doesn't, I honestly feel she won't live another year. It's like when couples who have been married forever, and one of them passes away, the other passes away shortly after.

So that is where we are right now. Yesterday morning, my biggest concern was what color to choose for my countertops. Today, it seems ridiculous that I even stressed over it.


Pray for my Aunt if you are a
"Praying Kind of Person"....If not, just send as many positive vibes our way. This is going to be an impossible few days.